You can’t keep kissing strangers and pretending that it’s him.
yesterday the boy i’m in love with told me about this one time in college where he had sex with two girls in the same day and it was great. i had just made him breakfast and coffee in my favorite t-shirt and underwear and sang the chorus of my favorite song by my favorite band under my breath and he said, “could you be any cuter? no really, i don’t think you could be any cuter.” then with half a pop up in his mouth he told me what he used to be like. i think i remember vaguely in passing saying something to him like, “i made bad choices when i was in college”, i’m sure i was referring to that month or two when i got blackout drunk twice every weekend but yesterday i realized that the boy i’m in love with thinks i was like him when i was in college. i can remember an exact moment with a different boy before him who thought the same thing. i never corrected him. i didn’t correct the boy i’m in love with. i didn’t say anything. because when i say i made bad choices when i was in college i mean i decided to give what was left of my naive little heart to the first person who showed me any interest in such a long time. i mean i spent hours lying awake at night with knots in my stomach because i couldn’t believe such a cute older boy saw anything worth seeing in me. i mean when he told me it wasn’t anything but i still felt everything, i gave the very last parts of myself i had to give to someone whose name and face i don’t remember. and he was the only one before the boy i’m in love with. but i’d rather have him think that maybe one time i had sex with two boys in the same day and it was great than have him know that i left what little i had in a boy i’m still good friends with because i never had enough of him to get let go of, and a boy who liked a baseball team that i hate and country music and fell asleep on a bean bag chair when i told him i wasn’t staying the night. i made bad decisions in college that still keep me up at night and it’s not because i had a lot of sex. it’s because i lost myself and those things i misplaced still haven’t found a way back to me. i don’t know if they ever will. but one time the boy i’m in love with had sex with two girls in the same day and he couldn’t believe it was really happening and it was great.